Why Is It So Hard to Receive Compliments?

At a retreat I facilitated recently, participants were invited to affirm one another's gifts in front of the group. The only rule was that the person receiving the affirmation wasn't allowed to deflect it—to change the subject, minimise it, or explain it away.

It was remarkable how difficult this was for almost everyone. As each person received affirmation, they grimaced or braced themselves as though they were about to be criticised rather than encouraged. One participant even joked that it felt like torture. The whole group laughed at how much effort people were putting into simply sitting still and receiving kind words.

Yet there was an interesting contrast. While almost everyone found it difficult to receive affirmation, they found it incredibly easy to give it. People had no trouble noticing each other's gifts, strengths and good qualities.

Many of us can probably relate. It's often much easier to encourage others than it is to accept encouragement ourselves. We can be compassionate towards others while holding ourselves to impossible standards. So why is receiving affirmation so difficult?

There are many reasons, but three common ones stand out.

1. Our core beliefs filter what we hear

We all carry deep, foundational beliefs about ourselves. These core beliefs become the lens through which we interpret the world.

If someone affirms me but their words conflict with what I already believe about myself, I'm unlikely to receive them. If my deepest belief is that I'm a failure, then a compliment won't usually change my mind. Instead, I might assume the other person is simply being kind, that they don't really know me, that they're exaggerating, being sarcastic, or even trying to manipulate me.

In other words, I don't evaluate whether the compliment might be true—I instinctively look for reasons why it can't be.

2. We misunderstand humility

Many people, especially those raised to value humility highly, quietly assume that acknowledging their gifts is somehow proud or arrogant.

If someone compliments us, we quickly respond, "Anyone could have done it," or "I was just lucky."

For a long time, I held this misunderstanding myself. I thought humility meant thinking poorly of myself or denying my strengths. But that's not what humility is.

The word humility comes from the Latin word humus, meaning "earth" or "ground." Humility is about being grounded in reality. It means seeing ourselves truthfully—not exaggerating our strengths, but not denying them either.

Jesus' Parable of the Talents illustrates this beautifully. The servants who used their gifts were praised, while the servant who buried his talent was rebuked. The point wasn't that they should pretend they had no gifts. Rather, they were entrusted with gifts that were meant to be developed and shared.

Recognising that we have gifts isn't an act of pride. It's an acknowledgement of the generosity of the One who gave them. We didn't earn our intelligence, personality, compassion, creativity or capacity to love. These are gifts received.

One of the beautiful truths of the Christian faith is that God did not create us because He needed us. He was perfectly complete in Himself. Rather, He freely created us out of love. Even knowing our weaknesses, our failures and our sin, He chose to create us, to become one of us in Jesus Christ, and ultimately to suffer and die for us. That says something extraordinary about our worth in His eyes.

The Bible speaks often about God's love and mercy, but it also speaks about the dignity He has given each person. Many of my Christian clients find it helpful to regularly pray with these passages until they slowly begin to reshape the beliefs they hold about themselves.

As we begin to believe that we are genuinely loved by God—not because of our achievements but because of who we are—it becomes a little easier to believe that others may also see something good in us.

When someone notices one of our gifts, dismissing it too quickly can actually diminish the generosity of the Giver. Imagine if someone complimented a jumper my mother had lovingly knitted for me and I replied, "Oh, it's actually not very good. The wool is poor quality and it's full of flaws." My response wouldn't simply reject the compliment—it would also fail to honour the one who made it.

Receiving affirmation with gratitude is not pride. It is acknowledging the goodness of the gift and recognising our responsibility to use it well.

3. Receiving affirmation requires vulnerability

Giving encouragement feels relatively safe because we're offering something to another person. Receiving it is different.

To receive affirmation means allowing ourselves to be seen. It means lowering our defences, allowing another person to recognise something good in us, and risking believing that they might actually mean what they say.

This vulnerability doesn't mean we abandon wisdom or discernment.

St Thomas Aquinas described wisdom as seeing reality in accordance with God's truth. The Catechism teaches that prudence helps us discern our true good in each situation and choose the right course of action (CCC 1806).

When someone gives us a compliment, wisdom allows us to ask, "Is this possibly true?" We don't have to accept every compliment uncritically. If someone tells me I'm an excellent surfer, I can safely conclude they're mistaken! But when someone repeatedly notices qualities that I struggle to see in myself, perhaps I can at least become willing to consider that they may be seeing something real.

Prudence also helps us decide how vulnerable we should be. If the person offering the affirmation has consistently shown themselves to be trustworthy and has our good at heart, perhaps we can allow ourselves to receive their words more deeply. If they have not, we can still accept the compliment graciously without assuming a level of trust or closeness that hasn't been earned.

Learning to Receive

Learning to receive affirmation isn't about becoming proud. It's about becoming truthful.

The next time someone offers you a genuine compliment, notice your first instinct. Is it to dismiss it, explain it away or change the subject? Instead of immediately rejecting it, simply pause and ask yourself, "What if this were at least partly true?" You don't have to become convinced immediately. You only need to become willing to consider it.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash