When you browse through a therapist’s profile to see what issues they treat, you will rarely find “shame” listed. Indeed, my own listings do not include shame as an issue. Yet, shame is one of those core emotions that is at the heart of fallen human experience.
As early as the 2nd chapter of Genesis, the topic of “shame” is introduced. Originally, Adam and Eve walk freely in the garden in communion with God and each other, without shame. Their “nakedness” is symbolic of their lack of need to hide or mask their true selves from God and each other. Yet, after giving in to temptation, they feel deeply a sense of shame, causing them to immediately hide and protect themselves. Everything that comes after could be described as God’s mission to convince humankind to drop their defences and resume that “walk in the garden” with Him.
This is exactly what shame does to us. While the human being is designed to live in the “garden” experience of right living, peace and joy, the shame that we feel through our own sins and the sins of others, instinctively causes us to close in on ourselves, put up walls and defences and cut ourselves off from God, others and from fully experiencing life.
While guilt can be described as an emotional reaction to perceiving oneself having done something bad, shame differs in one seeing oneself as being intrinsically bad. Shame causes one to feel that their failings and deficiencies will be exposed to others and cause them to feel rejected. Shame can cause further disconnection from others in order to avoid this vulnerability to feeling exposed.
If shame then involves negative self-perception and a disconnection from important relationships (including both God and others), it is easy to see how wide the range of mental issues that shame contributes to: social anxiety, people pleasing, perfectionism, self-esteem, addiction, relationship issues such as anger, defensiveness, passive-aggression, communication issues, depression, sadness, and social isolation to name a few.
Given the wide array of issues that shame influences (at the top of the list being the disconnection it can cause in one’s relationship with God and others), it makes sense for anyone suffering from it to seek to address it. So what are some remedies for shame?
From the outset it should be recognised that the entire Biblical narrative from Adam to Jesus (please note, narrative does not equal fictional) could be said to describe God’s continual efforts to overcome humankind’s shame and allow them to experience reconnection or communion with Him. God doesn’t want anyone to remain in shame.
If one’s experience of shame is connected with their own past failings or sins, a fundamental step would be in seeking absolution in the Sacrament of Confession. To seek God’s forgiveness through His appointed representatives is the way to re-establish any disconnectedness to God and receive an abundance of grace on the journey to overcome shame.
However, not all shame stems from our own failings. Shame can also be a result of past experiences of disconnection from significant relationships in our lives. Varying forms and levels of abuse, neglect or simply unhealthy attachment experiences can lead to shame. If shame can result from disconnection in significant relationships, and results in further disconnection from significant relationships, it makes sense that an important response to shame is in establishing healthy and meaningful relationships in which one can learn to let down one’s defences and open up. This is where holistic therapy, that considers all aspects of a person, including the social aspect is so insightful.
This is also why support groups and individual therapy are helpful. In support groups, clients can learn to trust being open and connected with others, who share a similar experience. In counselling therapy, one can open up and experience connection with a safe, empathic and non-judgmental professional.
Counsellors can also assist a client in both examining those sources of shame which they may not be aware of and can also help to identify faulty thinking or beliefs (cognitive distortions) that may be operating in their lives and offer ways to adopt healthier ways of thinking or beliefs. Some of these unhelpful core beliefs may be “I’m unlovable,” “I’m worthless,” “I can’t trust anyone else,” or “I’m too weak.”
A powerful intervention for all Christians is to challenge this thinking with scriptural and theological truth that challenges these distortions. If one accepts the belief in the inspired nature of the scriptures and accepts the teachings of the Church magisterium as truth, then one has a solid foundation for countering those thoughts contributing to feelings of shame. The belief that “I’m unlovable” can’t stand against the belief that one is loved by the Ultimate Source of Love.’ Similarly, some powerful scriptures exist that remind us of our worth as children of God, our need to trust in God above all, and how Christ’s strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Finally, the Genesis account of humankind’s fall reminds us that shame is closely tied to our disconnection from God. Given that the remedy for this disconnection has already been won for us by His Son, it remains for us to embrace the opportunity for connection and communion with Him – a return to “walking with God” in the garden. This is where prayer, aka conversation with God, is so important. It is in conversation between friends where connection is restored. And as Fr Thomas Dubay said, “The most basic healing of our deepest wounds comes from contemplative intimacy with the Indwelling Trinity and the deep conversion that makes it possible.”
Photo by Julia Taubitz on Unsplash
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